Come on, come on! Yay, I won. Again! *chuckles* Ma’am, is the red
helicopter yours? The sweeper needs to take his Merc
out and he needs to take it out. Mine is vermillion. Cherry red, right? That’s mine. Give them the keys? Hey Pri-eeti. Have
some Gold biscuits? No thanks, I am on a platinum only diet.
– Sure! Know what happened with me? I was booking a holiday in the Bahamas,
and my mistake, I clicked a wrong button. And I ended up
buying the Bahamas! Nice. But if it sinks, thanks to
Global Warming, what will you do then? *chuckles* You know what girls, last month, I
bought a diamond. Kohinoor XXL. Last month, I bought a month.
April is called Anita now. So it’s Januray, February,
March, Anita, May, June, July… Why? You couldn’t
afford a 31 day month? Okay okay, my turn! So last month,
I bought this poor French singer. *sings* Are you sure he’s French?
Sounds Mauritian to me. Despacito. You bought a fake again? You know what, I just
bought an IIPL team. Oooh what leg spinners, huh? Only 3 players? But Cricket
has…52 players, right? 25. And I have only 25% shares,
that is why 3 players. You couldn’t afford
a whole team? You don’t need money for an IIPL team. You
need to work for it. You need to earn it. Madam, should I take those
20 panda bear cubs out? Cut them and throw them away. Ladies! I have an important
announcement to make. Before the next Kitty Party I will own an IIPL team and all
those 25 players, would be here. Please enjoy your drinks! When I said that I wanted to
be an IIPL owner, people said- “You don’t know anything
about Cricket or the teams.” But I know about
everything being an owner And for everything else I
can always hire people. Bansal, get me a coach. Yes, Madam. I have been working since 120
years with Madam’s family. Whatever she wants,
I get for her. Crocodile skin bag,
elephant trunk sandals… Once, she even asked me to get a
lion, to watch circus in the garden. Poor gardener, was
a good fellow.. If I can get all this, getting retired
players is no big deal for me! Left-handed task! Looking at you made my heart beat, my
political career got all the heat. Give me a job pretty soon, or
for me there is only doom! Unemployment! Inshallah, the boys
will played well. The boy…..play wells… *speaks gibberish* Wells will play the boys. You do this….and you do
that…..and you hit it! This is how we control
our wives in Haryana. Well the boys will play. I soon realised, that these losers
won’t be able to do a thing. I just knew one thing. The West
Indians are very well equipped. So…I hired the first one I saw. No no, I am not West Indian,
I am Indian from west. But after 96 when someone
offered me a relevant job…. I thought- I can be
whatever she want me to be. We also cried with Vinod ji in 96.
He has a certain vibe. Looking at him makes me happy. Now it
feels like some real game of Cricket! IIPL is about 3 things- Entertainment,
Entertainment and Endorsement. We had all three. Vinod, I and our main sponsors
from China, Krack-Jack Ma. Now we needed a readymade fan base.
Some people called it, Home City Love. Ma’am all the marked
properties are sold out. You could…take Kerala. Hein? How will we party? We are
not going there to play Cricket. No dry state, so Kerala out.
And so are Bihar and Gujarat. Er…Madam, how about Haryana? Agricultural
property…will sell it to you in cheap. See…you show me your
best property… I don’t have any…..ummm..what
do you say— The one that middle
class people get? Worry about the money. Yeah, that! Ma’am, women there are scarce, the
cricket viewing population is more. It’s just that the cheerleaders
could pose a bit of a problem. No going there? No mam, they can
go there, I take two with me…. But….coming back
could be a problem. Women safety is important. So,
Haryana goes in the drain. Rajasthan and Delhi
are already a cross. How about that
place….it’s very pretty… Trinidad & Tobago People keep throwing
stones there… Jamaica? – No…The place that
was shown in Mission Kashmir? Kashmir? Yeah…maybe…. Kashmir… Is there a problem? Ma’am there is no problem, it’s just
that the neighbours are assholes. What? Assholes? – Ah, cute. Ma’am, there’s a lot of gun play there..
so it could risk lives, just randomly. In our Caribbean, there’s a saying
– Olalalll le O olalalal Le o – Olalalll le O olalalal Le o In common language it
means- Safety First. So, life safety is also important, therefore No Kashmir,
UP, Chhattisgarh, Orissa and Delhi is already out. Delhi is already crossed. Ma’am how about Madhya Pradesh?
It’s great! No, man…No MP…Isn’t there
an upmarket place? Ma’am, then there’s only
one property that remains. Mountains, river, hills, China…everything
is in a walking distance. And nobody even gives a ot of
attention to the people there. You’ll get an easy fan-base. Complete package. – Where? North- East. North- East? But where is this place? See, now everyone has
their own opinion but personally we can’t blame Argentina
for not knowing where North-East is.. because she is not from
Cricket-ing background. I’ll tell you a
true-story, in 96, Half of them didn’t know where
North-east is. I told everyone. So I told Argentina, if you go towards Mulund
on the Highway, you’d have North-East. When I got to know
about North-East I was proud to call it my
Home City…My team’s home. After-all it is home to a
lot of sporting legends… like- Priyanka Chopra
and Dalai Lama. Sorry…Bhaichung Bhatia. And now we can focus
on the main work… Ma’am, Cricket? No. Branding. So, we brought in
the best agency. After a lot of research, careful analysis
of data from global emerging markets And moderate to high
psychedelic drug-use, We have come up with the most scientifically
accurate way of choosing your IIPL team. Drum-roll. Tadaaah! So, Argentina is A. Whats your birthdate? 11th October 196— 99. Oh you’re born
just 3 years after 96. I have a history with 96. And your IIPL team name is… North-East Magnificient-chi? Why is there a
Chinese name here? Madam because— That is 11 because there are
11 players in the team… Man Come on Vinod, nobody cares about the
cricket here. We are building a brand. What are the names
of other teams? Mostly adjoining their
home town names like Rajasthan’s Rajas…Daredevils of Delhi..
and Chennai’s SuperEmporer… We need something local here… something
indigenous..something from the streets… I’ve got it Opinions? It is absolutely racist
and bloody offensive. And if I would have told her that,
I wouldn’t have gotten paid. And if I cared about my dignity of labour more
than money, I wouldn’t be here making ad films. This is our Logo, Ma’am. 7 momos represent the 7
states of the North-East. And this red color would be representing their
valour, grit and sacrifice for the nation. It’s Schezwan Chutney. Bansal…zip it. Vinod, something’s
missing, right? Mayo. Yes! Mayo! Brilliant idea ma’am, brilliant! How stupid am I…who eats momos
without mayo? Get some Mayo there! And watch this,
ma’am..our team jerseys. Hmmm…nice colour…I also
like the pallazos.. Hold it Broda, Wait… The fabric needs to be perfect
for the cricket-ing conditions.. Slim fit But where will all the
sponsors’ logos come?! Here it is. But any team would go for….. What is so special about us? Look at this, sir…Cape. More
the sponsors, longer the cape. Nice nice….. Man. If you ask me, the
team was fully ready. Everybody worked extremely hard. I
think..after 96, a very strong team…. Who had a lot of strength… Maybe
2nd…Lesser than ours though… we could win the World Cup.. The team was great, but there
was a very little formality The players were being selected through auction.. because if
there are no players, who would dance with Deepika in the ads Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to VimlaPasand IIPL Auctions. *Screams* Sir, sir..please
give an all-rounder? Ravinder free with Mahendra! Marketing Galore!
Marketing galore! Hey, side! You coming here for the
first time?! Move aside! Back off! You’re from Kolkata right? Don’t
throw bottles, go stand in a line. Come go home everyone! Bloody hell… I need 6 all-rounders, 8 fast
bowlers and a wicketkeeper.. I’ll sort the
batsmen until then. You want a fast bowler
for 130 or 140? There is a knuckle ball organic stuff.
You want? Put together but good quality. Take out fast bowler What happened to
Smith and Warner? Sir, the Australian stuff comes in a sand box. It gets
rubbed in the truck but the stuff is really fresh. Madam, don’t mark nails…
– Everything is fresh No no no…this will just rot for two years and
will have to end up doing it with the batsmen. Do one thing, Give me two three Kiwis
…McAlam, Williamson, anything! That’s all…No no not so many all-rounders!
That’s about it for now. Give in a packet. It will cause problems later
on with the batsmen. Use a packet please! What on Earth is Lalit Modi doing in here?!
Piss off, you moron! Go! Go! Is this Fresh? It’s very fresh There’s Sanju and others on top…there’s
Yuvraj beneath…What?! Who put Pujara here? I’ll pay for Pujara for IIPL? Am I a fool? You tell me the rate? Sir, you can sort them first..we
can do the bargaining in the end. Heyyyy! What the hell?! I just asked for a
top-quality fast bowler. What is Unadkat doing here? Sir, premium quality. – It’s no premium.
Take Siddharth, Yadav and Bumra. Sir, this won’t be possible for this much…
– It will be. Put it in the box. Put it.
– Yeah, what’s the total? Sir it comes to….14+69+13…. Total comes to 117 117—Crore. Ma’am please give change. So if I have bought so many, give
me an additional 8-10 players. Sir…I cannot. Could’ve
easily given you 2-3… You’ll charge me for Ranji players?
Really? Put those in. Come on! Vinod was pretty quick on is Hindi improvisation..but
I trusted his Cricketing knowledge.. But while buying food and players, one thing is
very important…how will it look on social media. These guys looked all the same!
Bearded, middleclass… But amidst all of
these, there was one… Sir, how much for these? He is sold out. And also packed. Shit! But he was so instagrammable!
What is so special about him, Vinod? So ma’am…in 96, everyone was either
clean shaven or with a moustache… Then I started keeping
a beard to break the trend. Now, everyone is keeping a
beard copying me all the way. If Pri-eety can have one instagrammable
players, mine will have 10 on 10! Therefore, as the team owner, my first order to
my newly selected team was – to break the beard. Now that they were all looking
presentable, Vinod’s real work started. What kind of a stance is this?
You’ll take this to IIPL? You have to work
really, really, really hard. And why are you looking here and there?
Look here! Where’s your mind at? You idiot, what did I just say? Keep looking
until the last moment, in the camera. Until I say cut, keep looking there.
Okay? Now, you come in the middle. Now
come forward and speak your lines. Bimla-Pasand, every morsel
with the flavour of cancer! It’s not Bimla, it’s Vimla!
And its Kaiser, not cancer! Who called this fellow! You have to act.
ACT. Didn’t you see me in 96? No sir, we weren’t even born. Good lord. Come on
now, do a dance step. 5 6 7 8— See, the team was talented
but there also inexperience. All the young players were getting scared so I
gave my example…to look upto me from the 96…. That how I was holding up on an end and if the match
would have happened, I would have made it win. That made those guys get motivated .
..and everybody worked hard And I can feel that we are ready now
and we can face anything that comes. All the stupid preps were done.
It was time for the real game. *chuckles* We will change our bat shape and
make it look like your beer bottle. Thanks! That makes a
total of 102 sponsors. Increase the cape
length by 1 metre Okay ma’am…how about this cheerleader? No 4
cheerleader in the whole of Kazakistan.. Choose any cheerleader of your taste… just
make sure they are white and have big boobies. Okay ma’am. Okay listen, team launch party, after party,
after-afterparty and Janta Party is prepared for? Yes Ma’am. *speaks gibberish* Hello ma’am, how are you? What do you mean you’re
sponsoring Pri-ety’s team? My team is way better than hers!
Ofcourse I can prove it! Okay, call her and tell her, that my team will
meet hers, on the field, on the 5th of Anita. Winner gets your sponsorship. What should happen my son of a gun?
Before the match, the drama has begun! There is going to be a tough
competition between Pri-ety’s team Singh is Bling 11 Punjab and Argentina’s
team North East Manificent Momos! That reminds me, today’s guest
umpire is The founder/co-founder of AliBaba
and the 40 theives- Krack-jack Ma. And he will shower his Chinese
money on the winning team! Amazing! Amazing! Both the teams are on the
field and Pri-ety’s team has won the toss! Oh man! Amazing start and an even
more amazing signature step! A better wife cooks good food, but
a better team always looks good! She is looking absolutely fabulous! To beat this
would not just be difficult but very difficult! Now it’s another team’s turn. Coach Vinod
with his last minute instructions. The magnificent Momos
are off the mark! Brilliant effort but will it be
able to match upto Pri-ety’s team? Now it’s all in the
Umpire’s hands. Jingles of both the teams are
great, and so is their dance! It is going to be a very tough
decision for Krack-Jack Ma. Very difficult, very
sensitive, check it please! I say, it’s extremely sensitive! It
is scaring the shit out of everyone! It is it is! Oh! So it is Argentina on the win!
This is really big! So this calls for some momos! Half
plate for him and two plates for me! I will temper your balls! I will enjoy it nonetheless! Since the match cancelling in the
96, I have just been crying, But right now….thanks to Argentina… after
22 years, I have cried tears of joy. Until now, I used to be in the news
only to defend Sachin, but now…. I have a legitimate career so
I would like to thank God. This IIPL is a great thing! There is nothing
about cricket but it’s so much fun! Maybe because of
the white chicks? I have proved it again that
anyone can achieve their dreams. If there is a will in your heart and
your husband’s chequebook in your purse. But, ultimately it’s
all about the game. The game we rich people play….collecting the most shiniest,
most valuable things and showing them off with pride. Just like life and trump cards, whoever
has everything, keeps winning it. Bansal…please get the invitations printed
for the next kitty party. – Ok madam.