Evenin’ sirs, welcome to SPACE hooters! The finest in tit related eatin’ and drinkin’ this side of the galaxy. Can I start you boys off with somethin’? Maybe a Tatooine Titty Twister or a Dagobah Dirt Bomb? Just the bottle service. Bottle service coming right up! I have a bad feeling about this. I think it’s just early. What? The guests are Jedi?
I know trouble when I sees it. Believe you me these boys is covered in it. We’re screwed! You know the Jedi reputation. Listen, we have to get them out of here. Peacefully. How are we going to do that? I mean, we can’t just kick them out. Whatever you do, do not piss these guys off. Is it normal to make us wait this long?
Relax! I’d like to try their hot wings. I’m actually hungry. You boys expectin’ ladies, or is this just a sausage festival? Not that there’s anything wrong with a sausage festival.
Say sausage one more time. Sausage. Let me guess. The Jedi were perfect gentlemen… …paid their bill in full… …and left with no fuss. No! They skip out on their bill! They steal from the cash register! They break Rupert, the authentic redneck robot! No shit. Doing business with a Jedi? I’d sooner higher sand people to babysit my kids. No! That’s terrible idea!
That was sarcasm you imbecile! (sigh) I’m sending regional manager Darth Maul. He will ensure that your Space Hooters functions at the highest level of operational efficiency… …while maintaining a deep rooted commitment to customer satisfaction. He’ll take care of your Jedi problem. And by the way. what kind of wood polish did you use on this table? Murphy’s Oil Soap? That sheen is ridiculous. Send a bottle of whatever it is back with Maul. I say screw that guy, mon! Jar Jar being annoying. Look out! Weesa gonna die! Yousa too drunk to be driving! Still annoying. Yousa called meesa to come pick yousa up from the club, right? Why don’t yousa give meesa the keys meesa drive us home safely! Why don’t you try and take the keys and see what happens? Violence happens. Hello ladies. Master, let’s throw these girls a Jedi surprise party.
Right. Surprise bitches! There’s the blockade! Uh oh! Guys! It’s a DUI checkpoint! We need gum, fast. You can’t beat a breathalyzer with gum. You’ve been drinking all NIGHT. Now it’s a chase! BASS He upgraded the hyperdrive and the stereophonic sound system. We outran the space cops, and made them eat bass. Yes, I could feel it. What is he called? R2D2 your highness. Thank you, magic trash can. You told me there’s a bar here. Yeah my bad. Panaka.
Yeah, the pizza’s here.
Be right there. I’m afraid I can’t kick in. I’ll have to owe you. Whatever, man. Why do you awaken me without skin? What of our bargain? You promised me flesh! Raw nerves exposed to the world! Every step is a new nightmare! All I feel is pain! You! Why would they do this to me? You want me to feel the pain? Yes, you want me to understand it. So that I may show others. Huzzah! Excelsior! Not to mention, your Jedi friends caused an unspeakable amount of damage! The bill must be paid!
Oo, I have an idea, how about we DON’T pay the bill? Qui Gon, you old piece of shit! How are you?
What’s the matter, old buddy? You face is crustier than a patch of wookie butt fur!
Gross! Whoah, you look terrible Maybe you need a Viagra prescription… …to turn on your lightsaber, you know what I mean? This kid doesn’t. Seriously though, are you losing your edge or what? You’re absorbing more abuse than a hutt tampon! (sorry) The Qui Gon I knew would have been kicking my teeth in right now. Hey, I’m just kidding, it’s all in good fun. Put ‘er there! (laughs) Alright now get out of here, you old creep. Why don’t you take this kid with you? I know you’re into that. Seriously though, kid, watch out for that guy. He uh… he has a past. Look at him. Such a… bumbling creature. So foolish. He’s made of so much skin. I will make him part of us. Yes! I will wear his face! Look how much the others hate him! Almost as if they wish he was gone. Yes, I’d be doing them a favor. I’d be doing good. Yes. (robo speak) (robo speak) Space 911. Looking at you all, I think it’s pretty obvious you’ve never been this high before. It is my belief that hunger will soon become a serious concern. With your permission, my masters… Yes, a craving I have! For taquitos and cheese dip! I’ve heard legends of a taco… …made entirely out of Dorito. If it exists we will find it. Master, sir. I heard Yoda talking about midichlorians. I’ve been wondering… …what are midichlorians? It’s herion. Come on, boy. We have located the Jedi. We have them right where we want them. Good. This is almost over. Just remember to keep all of your receipts. This is a business trip. Everything we do here is tax deductible. At last. I will show the Jedi who is truly lord of the dance. …conference call to go over our quarterly report. Maul? Maul! Snap out of it. Are you even listening to me? Yes. Business trip. (Music) (Music) Oo, I’ve got wine coolers! Over here, baby.
Oh! I want a Zima! Make sure everybody has Zimas!