Look out, world! Today’s the day I become a Pokémon Trainer! (Record scratch) What?! Absolutely NOT, Rusty! But Dad, it’s my destiny! No. Your destiny is to go to college and get a real job, mister. Your mother and I didn’t bust our humps working so you can be some kind of professional pet owner. (grunts) Red’s mom lets him be a Trainer. Who is Red? Uh! He’s an awesome Trainer from Pallet Town. I follow his Twitter! You’re always going on about this “Pallet Town” What’s wrong with Beige Town? We’re not even on the map, Dad! I’m 10 years old, I’m an adult, I can go wherever I want. Legally, yes. That is true. But as long as you’re living under my roof, buster. You’re gonna stay here and help out with the deli. Now, deliver this chicken panini to the professor’s house, then go to school! It’s just down the block from- I KNOW, MOM! It’s literally the only other house in town. GOD! *Door slams* *Door opens* Oh… Hey! Rusty! That my lunch? Professor Tree, you know a lot about Pokémon, right? Not really… It was just the easiest grant to apply for… I got a monthly paycheck and a free lab… All I gotta do is count Pidgeys once in a while. Then I can spend the rest of my time growing pot. Shouldn’t ‘a told you that… I’m pretty high. So YOU need somebody to go out and study Pokémon for you! Uhhh… yea! Awesome! I’ll do it! My journey begins! I’ll take this Kakuna as my first Pokémon! Wow! You’re good at this. I thought that was a paperweight. You and me Kakuna, we’re gonna catch ’em all! So long Professor! Tell my parents I’m dead! Rusty, wait! You took my panini! (Pidgey scream x2) Whoa! Two Pidgeys! A new record! I wonder how Red’s Pokémon journey is going. (phone noises) Duh, of course! I need a rival to drive me to be the very best! Hey, kid! Wanna be my Pokémon rival? Gosh! Sure thing, mister! All right! Battle time! I choose you, “Pikachu”! Uh… That’s a Kakuna. Uh-huh. I know. I named it Pikachu, after my hero’s favourite Pokémon. Um… okay… um… er… Go, Rattata! PIKACHU USE HEADBUTT! (smash) Rattata! No! We win! Great job, “Pikachu”! That’s cheating! And that’s not even a Pikachu! Hah. Classic rival move. Can’t admit when he’s defeated. We are NOT rivals anymore. I’m going HOME! (fleeing sound) COWARD! I guess that means it’s just you and me, other guy! Oh my God! I don’t want any trouble! Here! (flees) (victory music) (ka-ching) Look at that, “Pikachu”! I’ve only been a Pokémon Trainer for two days! And I’ve already defeated all my rivals! I just need to catch a few more Pokémon And we’ll be ready to take on the Champion! *GASP* A SHINY BIDOOF OH… I’ve dreamed… of this day Poké Ball! Go! Oh noooooooo…! “Pikachu”… Get… help… (gasp) Zubat! Ooh, Zubat! Woah, Zubat! Man, there’re a lot of Zubats in here. What kind of Trainer would I be if I didn’t Catch ’em All! (gasp) Well well well… Where do you think you’re going, kid? This is Team Rocket turf. We’re an international crime syndicate that steals Pokémon and- OH GOD HERE. JUST TAKE THEM TAKE THEM ALL! Uhh huh… Wow… Usually that’s way harder, thanks you’re a real coward. (sob) …oh my God you can have whatever you want… …please don’t kill me (sob) …please don’t kill me… *Blurble Blurble* Oh my… WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT? That’s my “Burbasaur”! He’s super rare! I think I caught the first one ever… I’m pretty sure this is a Bulbasaur with a birth defect What else does he have? Oh… GOD Pretty impressive huh? WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT MANY BIDOOFS IN ONE BALL? Uh, I was out of Poké Balls. I mean, what do you want me to do, not catch every Bidoof I see? WE NEED TO GET THESE GUYS TO A POKECENTER RIGHT AWAY! Why? What would that do? SO WE CAN HEAL THEM! You can HEAL Pokémon? Oh… wow I’ve been just throwing them away You are a dumb… monster Let’s grab his Kakuna and get outta here No! Not “Pikachu”! Oh my God! It evolved out of pure happiness the second I touched it! What did you do to this thing? “Pikachu”… You evolved to save me! Quick! Help me out of here! *bang* Owww my face! Awww it’s okay Beedrill. You’re safe now C’mon, let’s go set the hospital on fire Huh. Alright, Rusty. Things look bad But you can do this. (whimpering) Dad? Can you come pick me up? For Pete’s Sake Rusty how could you just run off like that? I can take care of myself, Dad. Why are you so worried? There are monsters everywhere And Professor Tree told us you were dead. Now as soon as we get home, You’re gonna give up on your dreams and study for the SA- Dad, look out! Oh my god, did you see that Snorlax?! Came… outta nowhere. I know! It must be a sign! I’m destined to catch him and continue my quest! No… Hospital. …Please… Well, Team Rocket burned down the only hospital But I know another place that can heal you. No, Rusty. Don’t! There’s something I gotta take care of first. Now’s my chance! Alright! Snorlaxes must be weak against Camrys. ♪ I caught a Snorlax because I am so great! ♪ Okay then, young man. Here are your Pokémon. ‘Kay. Thankyouverymuchbye! Hey. W-Wait! You forgot one! Definitely did not! Huh Well, let’s see what’s inside. Oh, hey look at that. My ulcer’s gone. If I’m gonna rescue Pikachu from Team Rocket, I’ll need some serious equipment. We’re talking Ultra Balls, Mega Candies, Buster Swords… Salesman: Get your customized stationary!
Rusty: Oh, my Dunsparce, I’ll take all of it! What does it do? You send it to your friends! Uh-uh, yeah, great. Where do I catch friends? Stop on in for all the latest trainer fashion and accessories! Uhh… No thanks, I’m rocking classic “Red” look. You’ve probably heard of him He’s got two badges! Ugh, those duds are so last gen. It’s all about scarfs and hot pants now. That sounds really dumb. I’ll just take a beret for my Snorlax. And this one only works at noon on Sundays, it’s called the “Brunch Ball.” Wow, I’ll probably need fifty. Holy Miltank, a bike! It’s like an evolution for my feet! Excuse me, shopkeep. I’ll take this bicycle, please. That’ll be a million dollars. Wowie, it must be a legendary bike! Well, it is…one of a kind. It’s reserved for a very… “special” customer. Oh! I’m special! That’s me! Do you take dad’s credit cards? Huh, didn’t think they’d send a kid… Uh… Well whatever, it’s yours Alright! Professor Tree: Wait, Rusty! This isn’t the time to use that! WAH! Professor Tree, how can I hear you? Professor Tree: Because I’m yelling! Hey, did you see this place has a Cinnabon? Awesome! Can’t stay and talk, professor. I’m on my way to save “Pikachu”! Hi, I’m the guy who’s supposed to buy a bicycle filled with weed. Oh? Ha. Oh, You’re gonna think this is real funny. I…sold it to a child. WHAT!? Ha, that is pretty funny though. *laughing* Oh, no! They followed my scent! 🎵Ba-na-na. I wanna be the very best, like no one eve-🎵 Ah, Wooper nuts. A tree. Well, better give up and go home. Now, hold on a minute youngster! What you need is an “HM”. They can teach your Pokémon secret moves to overcome obstacles. I’ve spent 60 years trying to find them- Oh, you mean these? Yeah, I bought them at a kiosk in the mall. Oh, well. Guess I’ll just go to the mall, then. 60 Years… And I know just the move to defeat my
new rival; This… tree. Alright, Geodude. Time to learn “Strenk-tuh” Open wide! Geodu- oh! Okay boy, now throw me over! To victory! Okay, Pidgey. Use Fly to carry me ov- ..er. Huh. Alright, one of these HMs has to work. Mushroom bug, use Flash! OH! I’M BLIND! WE’RE UNDER ATTACK! GO, BIDOOF! Okay, Zubat number seven. Time for us to learn how to surf! Huh. Eh, he gets it. Hang ten! Faster! These HMs aren’t working! What would Red do here? *gasp* That’s it! Yes! Now I can stop Team Rocket, and save the world! Wow! You beat me a lot faster than most people! Yeah, no duh! Your Zubat’s nature is friggin’ garbage! Nature, hmm. I don’t know what that is. Teach me what that is! Yeah, no. I’m an EV trainer, man! It’s like a super secret art that’s only for true Pokémon masters! Whoa, you must have so many badges! Haha, badges are for scrubs, dude. I play in independent tournaments, held in THE most exclusive toy stores and middle school gymnasiums. Huh, no wonder your Clefairy looks so buff. CLEFAIRY! So, right. You gotta teach me! Very well. First, start your Pokémon on a steady regiment of stat-boosting vitamins. Got it, thanks! Yeah, but those only works on the first one hundred EVs! Then you need a Macho Brace, idiot! Are you even writing this down, you turd!? What does “EV” stand for? Hoho hoho ha! We’re gonna be here for a while. 🎵EV training, you’re sucking the fun out!🎵 🎵EV training, you’re too old for this!🎵 🎵Exploiting the game, cause you don’t have a life!🎵 🎵Beating up kids, makes you feel like a man!🎵 🎵EV training, YEAH!🎵 Now, you know all of my secrets. Wow! None of that sounded like fun. Uh, Pokémon isn’t about fun. It’s about math, math and winning! It’s like a job you don’t get paid for, ya frickin’ dingus! A job you don’t– Wait a minute, that’s just SCHOOL! I didn’t become a Pokémon trainer to learn my Farfetch’d multiplication-tables! Well then, I’m afraid you’ll NEVER have a Pokémon as cool and strong as mine! Hey, prepare for trouble you… dildos. Whatever. We’re Team Rocket, we’re stealing your Pokémon. PEACE! WOO! NO! No, my hours! Huh, Team Rocket. *gasp* Wait a minute, if I follow Team Rocket, I can rescue “Pikachu”! See you later, boring guy! Wait, no, dude! You forgot to rate and subscribe my how-to videos! Rate and subscribe! RATE AND SUBSCRIBE! In other news, the forest fire continues to burn on Route 17. Get ready to lose, old man! I’m here to earn my first badge! First? This is Cinnabar Island, most people have a few badges under their belt before they get here. Why are you wet? I trailed Team Rocket onto the S.S. Anne. But, I got kicked off because I didn’t have a ticket. So I swam after them, but I drowned. Then, I woke up on the beach and I saw your Gym and knew it was my destiny to defeat you, so let’s fight! Sure, I kinda have to. It’s my job. Ha, I’ve got just the Pokémon to cool you off. Vanillite, go! You know I’m the Fire guy, right? Like, that’s my thing. And Ice is the opposite of Fire! Logic is the rarest candy of all! No! That Pokémon cost me like ten dollars! It was gelato! Do you get how these types work now, hmm? Is this making sense? Huh? It’s pretty simple, children have figured this out. It’s like a basic rock-paper-scissors thing. Never! Get ready, I’m about to be on you like a moth to a flame. Venomoth, go- Oh, no. Okay, I see. You leave me no choice. Cubone, go! Okay. Oh, there you go. Yay, okay. That’s a Ground type, Ground is strong against Fire. Pfft. Yeah right, ya old idiot! Cubone’s a Bone type, dogs have a weakness for bones! NO! GOD DIGLETT! Yeah. Yeah, your Pokémon are like thirty levels below mine, what did you expect? Whatever! I don’t even like Pokémon anymore! That’s so dumb, I hate this! Hey, buddy. He-hey you uh… You left before I could give you…Your badge! No! I lost! Losers don’t get badges, they work at their parents’ deli until they die! This is a-a…Special badge! The participation badge! I won a badge? That is AMAZING! Now I can stop Team Rocket, and follow my dreams! I-I’ll call you a water taxi. Great job on the streamers, Ted. Wow! Thanks, Ron, but tonight’s not about streamers, you dink! It’s about the new members of our family. SO true… Hey, what’s your name again? Russel? Reginald? I can’t read your name tag, it looks like you wrote a bunch of names, then crossed them out. Haha…That’s true. Quick question… where do you guys keep all of your stolen Pokemon? Oh, right down the hall. It’s unlocked if you wanna go check it out– AHA!! I’ve deceived you! I’m not a Team Rocket recruit at all! I’m a Rusty! -Who?
-You guys stole “Pikachu” and I’m here to rescue it! Bidoof, GO! Bidoof, use Bite! (Gun shot) WHAT? NOOOOOO! THAT’S CHEATING! Yeah. We’re criminals. Duh. What was you plan here? Uh…I was gonna defeat each of you sequentially in Pokemon battles And then you’d give up? And then give me my Pokémon back? And maybe like, some money or something? Wow. Dumb plan. Tony, kill him. “PIKACHU!” You’ve come to save me! (Gun shots) Who-careful! You almost hit me! Wait, this is YOUR Beedrill?! That’s the most sociopathic, cruel, and hate-filled Pokémon we’ve ever seen. How did you train such concentrated evil? I dunno. Nope, nope, nope, Come on, evolve! One of these has to be a Sun Stone! A trainer as blackhearted as you… Always has a place in Team Rocket! Whaddya say? Thanks, but I’m not a criminal. Woah, guys, check this out! His bike’s full of drugs! RUSTY! RUSTY! RUSTY! Yay! He’s not a good person! Wow, so you just drive around and people give you money? People must love Team Rocket! They sure do! And if they don’t, we burn down their homes and businesses. Okay, here’s your first assignment; Steal that kid’s Pokémon. Gosh, Eevee. I’ve been so sad since mom and dad died in that freak home-and-business fire. But when I look at you, I think things will be okay! Eevee! I don’t know, isn’t stealing kind of wrong? Nah. That’s all I needed to hear! Ah! Team Rocket! Eevee, rip his throat out! EEVEE! *screams of agony* Okay, this time I’ll show you how it’s done. Do you know how to drive? Duh! I’m ten! Great! Take the wheel, be ready for a getaway. Alright, kid. Prepare for– *crash* Sorry, couldn’t reach the brake! Well, it’s unorthodox, but can’t argue with results. Aww, come here, you. You’re going to a lab that tests shampoos! Alright, now you try robbing… Uh, let’s seeeee… That guy! Excuse me, sir. Uh, prepare for Rusty and make it… …rusty. Holy f**k, it’s Red! Cheese it! *cough* Oh my gosh, um, uh… Mister Red, um, sir, um… *scream* I know you’re busy being robbed, but uh– Couldyousignmyglasses?! I’m so dead, but at the same time I can’t help but respect your craft! What– what happened? *gasp* “Pikachu”, nooooo!! I am so sorry! *sob* I promise I’m gonna honor your memory by training harder than I’ve ever trained before… So that one day, I can… Hoooooly crud, what is that? Wow… What a great day! I must journey on to honor my fallen friend… “Pikachu”, you were truly irreplaceable. Come ON, “Pikachu 2”! You and I gotta find some wild Pokemon to battle! You lookin’ to battle? Then you came to the right house! BATTLEHAUS!! Here in Battlehars, we’ve got all the cutting-edge new battle styles Except for horde battles, ’cause they’re cheap f**king Trubbish s**t! Wow, you’re really mad! Yep. Mad for bortles! Let’s go! Coaster Battle! Choose your Porkemon. Go Spearow! Flying types are weak against roller coasters. I’ll remember this. Stacker Backle! Stack your Ponymon together, then you battle ’em. I totally understand. Go Snorlax! *SPLAT* Did I win? Well, sort of. You lost! Battle Battle! We battleship while our Pochampions watch! Wow. *Pain* Pikachu 2! I need orders! *Punching and Blood* Woah. What kind of battle is this? Oh, that’s… That’s Yu-Gi-Oh. Oh. Let’s go. Wow. I had no idea there were so many kinds of battles. Each one more necessary than the last. Only one more. Battlehaus Battle! It’s you… Versus the Battlehaus. Wait… Hweh? Listen kid. This thing cost me millions. I’m in deep to Team Rocket, and their new boss is calling in debts. I need the inscurbance, or I’m Dunsparce. But… Rusty loves Battlehaus. We’ve all got our own battles, kid. Besides. Don’t you wanna … win a blartle? *Flames* Great work today, Pikatwo. Pikatwo! You’re evolving! *pant pant* I’m back. Did he gain a level yet? No. You dropped your Bidoof off 30 seconds ago. Also, it was on fire. Yeah, so? That horse is on fire *sigh* That’s different for reasons I cannot explain. Good morrow, Gladys. Oh, hey, I remember you. You’re that boring EV trainer that learned a lesson. Uh, I’m just here to pick up my Pokémon and– Oh, huh, would you look at that? They’re holding an egg. Right again, Julian. Here you go. Woah, yes! After a year of breeding, I finally created another perfect Pokémon. Uh, hold on! You can MAKE Pokémon? HOW? Uh, yeah, it’s easy if you’re not a total Charitard. You just take two Pokémon in compatible egg groups and– Nononono– How do you make a BABY? You know, the, uh, Delibirds and the Combees? Ugh. Le sigh. *gross sobbing* If I teach you how to breed Pokémon, will you stop crying? I want to make a new Pikachu! Great! Pikachu is an electric mouse, which means, *heh*, he’s obviously in the Field Egg group. No. ‘Pikachu’ is my Beedrill. He died in a car fire. Wait, so you don’t have a Beedrill either? Nope. So, what DO you have? Bidoofs! Then we shall craft the perfect Bidoof! As you can see, I’ve matched my Dittos with your Bidoofs according to IVs. You should have a shiny Bidoof with an Adamant nature in just 2,731. (chuckles)… attempts. -And I forgot why we’re doing this. -Oh! Great Xerneas’ antlers! My Cleffa has begun to hatch. I shall named her ‘Cleffaye Valentine’, after the woman of my dreams. Clefayyyyye Wow, you sure are excited about that buff baby. (crash) Nooo-o! All those steps! Look, I told you! This guy makes the best buff Fairies! Noooo! I don’t want to go back to Team Rocket. Yeah, we don’t want ya either. You know, ever since the new boss took over, membership’s at an all-time high. Quit presenting exposition, Dennis! Grab that sexy baby! No, please! I was going to marry her…! …When she came of age, of course. Wow, you really deserve all of this. Bidoof. Alright! Pokémon Tower! I’ve heard this is the perfect place to catch Ghost Pokés. Sure is. This place is like insanely evil and haunted. Haha! JK. Just have fun. But be careful. You don’t want to become a Ghost Pokémon yourself. (laughing maniacally) It happens. Bye! U-Um. E-Excuse me. W-Would anyone mind being captured? You killed me. (gasps) Who is- Oh, a Zubat. You drowned me. Remember? “Hang ten!” Oh yeah. You were terrible at Surf. Zubats can’t learn Surf! Well, not with that attitude. Murderer! (gasps) Bidoofs 1-16! I haven’t seen you guys since we- One Pokémon per Poké Ball. That’s how it works. You’re the worst Trainer ever. But I’m going to be the best. We’ve been waiting for you to come here. All the Pokémon whose lives you’ve ended. And you came back from beyond just to tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad and I should keep training. No! Give up! Go home! You were born to work in a deli. You tried to plug me in! AAAAHH!! Yeah, you’re an Electric type. That’s why you got all these wires. What?! I-I clearly am not! I’ve got a whole jellyfish thing going on. You washed me down the drain. Wow, you’re a muddy boy. Let’s get you cleaned up and see what’s under there. Bet it’s a Legendary Bird! I wasn’t. I wasn’t a Bird. Okay, I think I see what’s going on here: You all miss me. Let’s kill him! AAAAAAHHH!!! Stop! Whoa, Grandpa Crispin?! Bu-But you’re dea- Oh right, the Ghost thing. I know you’re all upset, but Rusty is a good boy. Sure, he’s made mistakes, but he’s 10. He’s barely old enough to smoke. It’s our job as denizens of the afterlife to guide him and help him become a better— Aw geez, goddamn. Really? Wow, a Ghost/Grandpa type. I am never going to use this! Hello? Is this the herb shop? Herb? In here, buddy? Oh, Rusty! What are you doing here? Professor Tree? I didn’t know you were a fan of herb. *Laughs* Ehh, Yeah. Oh. My friend Nugget runs this place. We’re watching a Pokémon Nature Documentary in the back. Ooh! Can I watch? I haven’t seen TV in a while because I sleep in the woods. I dunno… We only have enough snacks for the 2 of us… I have 9 Pringles! This is Rusty. He brought Pringles! Wassup, Pringles? It’s starting, bro! Pokémon. They are all around us. And yet, we know so little about them. Very little. Mostly, just what they look like. This one for instance, looks like a human. But it isn’t. Ah, dat ain’t no human! Get ‘im! *Pummeling Noises* WOOOOOAH!! Here, we see a rare courtship display between two Pokémon. We’ll give the lovers some privacy. These Pokémon are just birds! What’s up with that? Yeah. What IS up with that? Here are some Pokémon that are scientifically proven to look dumb. Wow, I’m learning a lot, I think! *Snoring* We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Police are currently surrounding the Viridian City Gym. Citizens are advised to avoid the area at all costs. Oh, Dangaskhan! A Gym! That’s where Badges live! RUSTY LOVES BADGES!!! Second Badge, Here I come! He’s right in there. NOOOO!!! NOT THE PRINGLES!!! Choo Choo, back on the Badge Train! ‘scuse me, sir. Oh hello, Unattended child. Do your parents know you are alone in this very legitimate city full on non-criminal enterprises? I haven’t seen my parents in months. Now, where’s that Gym at? The Boss’ place? Sure, it’s right behind that wall of policemen over there. Aw, son of a Bisharp! They must all be there to get their Badges, too. I’ll never get in. C’mon! We gotta get our stone Pokémon outta this fake Gym so we can go crime it up elsewheres! Hey, wait a minute! I can use this back door to skip the line! Hello? Anyone there? I was wondering if our pets could fight? “Pikachu”!!! You’re alive!!! And a… Gym Leader. How did that happen? Thanks to your efforts, Pokémon theft is at an all-time– Eh- W-What are you doing here? No, Please, Guys, C’mon, it’s me, Battleblart! I’ll get you the money, I’m good for it, I swore!! Wow, you had a big week! Uh, Boss? We gotta go! He’s right, “Pikachu”, time to get back on the road! Now hop in this tiny ball and do what I say forever! GO! GO! GO! S’okay, kid. Yer safe now. We’ve been trackin’ this crooked Beedrill for a while. Although we can’t legally prosecute a Pokémon, so we still need to find his master. Oh, that’s me, Rusty! I’m Rusty! Oh, great, that was easy! Yer goin to jail forever! NO! You don’t understand! I’m the hero! I’m a cool Trainer!!! Ooh, nice Badges! How do I get one of those? *Taser* Thunderbolt… It’s super effective… Against… Rusty’s brain. *Taser* Hey, Yo, Rusty. I haven’t had meatloaf this good since I killed my old lady And then went to Ruby Tuesday’s to celebrate! Thanks, Hard Rick! But if I wanted to serve bad meat to worse men, I’d’ve just stayed at home. I’m destined to become a Pokémon Master! Nah, you should be a Chef instead. Ohh, or start your own Deli! Yeah! RUSTY! DELI! RUSTY- No! You Ding-Dang-Dewgongs don’t get it! I hate Cold Cuts! My dream is to be the world’s best Trainer! Ey, Kid. I hear yer lookin’ to do a little “Pokémon Training”. Um, Yeah! Didn’t you hear my tantrum? Heh, heh, then I got just the thing fer you! Ey Knife Boy, use Stab Hug! Rusty’s Confused! Go, Wet Craig! Hit him in the taint! If I win, I get a cigarettte! If you die, I get 2! *Laser* *BOOM* At last, We are reunited, Father. Woah, a Perfect Bidoof! Just like the one on EV Trainer’s private “18 and up” DeviantArt page! It’s a sign! I have searched for you for so long, Father. Please tell me, What is my purpose? I dunno. My purpose is to beat the Elite Four! Then that is my goal, as well. Come, Father. Let us become the best. Like no one ever was. I’m gonna call you… “Peanutbutter”! We’re free! Let’s get outta here! Come on, Wet Craig! What are you waiting for? Wet Craig is not ready for the outside! Wet Craig needs structure! More murders for us! Thanks, Rusty! RUSTY! MURDER! Excuse me! Hi! Rusty here to challenge the Elite Four! I do NOT have an appointment! Huh, you know you need to collect all the Badges first. Right, kid? I sure do! *Attempts to whistle* Peanutbutter! C’mere boy! Behold. All the Badges in Kanto, From any Trainers who held them. Y-You only needed e-eight. Why are they covered in blood? I dunno. Peanutbutter made me close my eyes pretty much the whole time. Battle, please! *Cackles* Careful, Sonny. My Ghost Pokémon are pretty spooky- BurbasaurIchooseyou! Aah, holy shit! What is that? *Burble Blurbasaur Bleugh* Rest now, brother. I shall bare this burden. Bidoof. AAAAAAAUGH *Gross noises* Oh, I’m so good at this! Who’s next? Uhh… no one! We.. changed the rules… You’re on the Elite Four now! Congratulations! Please don’t kill us. OH MY GOLDUCK! I DID IT!!! Alright, as long as we’re all happy and alive… Let’s resume our meeting! Uh, we were discussing educational district rezoning. Cool, yeah, how do I battle that? Rusty, we’re the Elite Four, The highest branch of Government. Sometimes, we have to address issues other than Pokémon. Aww, you sound like my Dad after my Grandpa died! BORING!!! Can’t we just do cool Pokémon stuff? Well, you DO have a scary, magic, murder Bidoof! We should probably update the Pokédex for that. Is it a new Legendary? Oh, Dangela! I’m not done, I still need to catch all the Legendaries! Come on, PB! I live only to slake your bloodthirst, Father. Uhuh. Oh, can we swing by McDewgong’s on the way out? I’ve been eating out of Trashcans for a year. Someone should probably tell her family… Not it! Not it- Dammit! Oh my gosh, Peanutbutter! It’s a Legendary! Quick! use… uh… Uhm.. What do you know again? This. Aw man, another Bone-type? A lot of the Pokémon we fight sure do turn out to be spooky skeletons. Hey, little fella. You lose your tour group? Why dont’cha hop on with us? No thanks! I’m busy wandering the woods unattended. Woods? No, this is the Safari Zone’s Legendary Pokémon Preserve. Wait, you mean they’re all here in one place and can’t escape? Oh, Boy! Welcome back to our tour, I’m Safari Marge. On our left are some Elemental Birds. And on our right are just so many Fairy Babies. Huh, I thought Safari Zone was where you pay money to throw rocks at kangaroos. Oh, that’s just the Business Side. We’re also a Nature Preserve. How are you able to capture these powerful, godlike creatures? Oh, ho, ho, Legendary Pokémon aren’t gods, They’re Legendary because they’re super-endangered. Look! Poachers hunt Legendaries because they think they’re magic. But in reality, they’re no different than any Garden-Variety Fire Horse or Psychic Duck. And if we don’t take care of them, they’ll go extinct. Like Dinosaurs. Or.. Dogs. I miss Dogs.. Everyone misses Dogs! But these poor Legendaries could never survive outside these walls. See over there? Not a single mouth or foot… I dunno what kinda god made that, but he was clearly running out of ideas. C’mere, big boy! I’m going to grind you up and sell you to a horny Kalos businessman! Dammit, Doug! What did I say about poaching? Hey, Marge! Listen, do you know what part the “horn” is? Ah, who am I kidding? I’m just gonna get in there and go crazy! Today, I have discovered my true opponent; Mankind’s Greed. And it is Super Effective. Father, I have learned “Compassion”. But, I already know 4 moves. That’s boring, forget that. It is forgotten. I would also like to learn “Thirst for Vengeance” Oh, that sounds cool! Go for it! WAUGH! WAUGH! WAUGH! Oh, wow… That is gonna be a lot of paperwork for me… Indeed. But the ledger of my people must be balanced. And this was but the first page. I… see where this is going… I’ll… get outta your way. Unless you need a dark herald! Heh. Either way, I’m crazy. Marge is crazy! Yes. A dark breeze blows this day. I thought my purpose to serve, But now I see, It is to rule. I will bare this world out of the Age of Man, And into The Eon of Doof. By being my friend and doing everything I say! I love how we finish each other’s sentences! Ball time, slave buddy! Aw, this sucks! I miss jail! 🎵I wanna be the very best🎵 🎵Slave that ever was🎵 🎵Bow, bow, ba-bow🎵 🎵To smash rocks is my real quest🎵 🎵Cause I don’t have a choice🎵 OW! AUGH! AUGAH! *clap clap clap* YES! Only 3 more lashes and I’ll evolve into Super-Slave! *GASP* Pssh, Rasty! Come quork! Battlebart, is that you? There’s no time to explarn! Whoa, no one told me slaves get a cool underground break room! Hey, wait a minute, I know you guys! EV Trainer? Professor Tree? Sexy Fairy? I.. …Wanna… …Say… Brad? What are you all doing here? After the Bidocalypse, Red assembled all the world’s top Pokémon experts into a single, unified resistance. And then Bidof killed all of them. We are what’s left. And now, we need you. Of course! Because I created Peanutbutter, I’m the only one who can stop him! NO! Don’t you gort it, Rusty? This is all yer fart! We need you to stop YOU! According to our top and only scientist, Hah, sup. Everything bad that has ever happened to anyone is your fault. We’ve captured Dialga And, uh, used his power to create a time machine. And we’re gonna send you… back.. to the day you gave me a sandwich. We all know you don’t listen to anyone but yourself. Which is why we need you to convince your past self to give up on his dreams and work in the Deli forever. It’s the only way to stop Perfect Bidoof. Cool, I’m totally on board, except for the whole working in a deli thing. What else we got? WAH! Now, if my calculations are correct, this should only kill one of you. *Shocks and Screams* Deliver this chicken panini to the professor’s house, then go to school! It’s just down the block from- I KNOW, MOM! It’s literally the only other house in town. GOD! *Door Slams* (Squeakily) 🎵I wanna be the very best🎵 Rusty, it’s me, Rusty from the future! Wow, am I a great Pokémon Trainer? Yes, Absolutley! So good, it’s my job to save the world! Sweet! Can I help? Yup. All you have to do is work in the Deli until you die. And… that makes me a great Trainer? Trust me, I’m us. 🎵I’m gonna make the sandwiches🎵 🎵Like no one ever was🎵 I did it! And now, to get this sandwich to Professor Tree! Which is why we need you to convince your past self to give up on his dreams and work in the Deli- Oh yeah, I already did that. Um, what? When? Last time. Wait a minute… You’re the Rusty we already sent back in time? Then why are we all STILL F****D? Well, I mean, SOMEBODY had to become the world’s greatest Pokémon Trainer. YOU DID EVERYTHING THE SAME? If I could do it all over again, I did! Oh, wait. So, if there was a second Rusty working at the Deli, Wouldn’t that mean your dad wouldn’t come pick you up and then crash into Snorlax? I mean, that seems like a pretty lazy continu– Oh god! He found us! We’re all gonna die!!! We’re all gonna f***ing die!!! Not on rusty’s watch! It’s time for me to finally fulfill my destiny! Oh, come on, I held B! Fear not, mortals. Soon, you shall all be one with Bidoof. Which is my cute little way of saying “Dead” Oh, shit. I’m pissing. I’m pissing my whole deal! No way, man! Not like this! NOT LIKE THI- Oh, sweet Jorzes! He doofed Steve! Aw, this can’t get any worse! This is one blartle… we can’t win, Rusty. Tell my wife I said… “Blagorgle” Rusty, we’ve been through a lot together, and you may not be perfect, but right now, you’re my only hope. Alright, Professor, I’ll do my best! Rusty, I need you… To light up this huge joint and get me so cheaped on that OG kush. Uh, hmmm… I call it “The Undertoker”, Spark this, and send me to my grave on a cottony cloud of world-class primo mega-dank. It is my last reques- Woah, nevermind. This is tight. Professor, NOOOOO! Come, Father. At long last, be one with Bidoof. Oh, god, what’s happening to me? I feel… bad. As if… this is… my fault! For the first time, I feel.. almost… Not the best? Oh… my god. Can it be? Rusty learned… Empathy? I know what I have to do. Ugh, you literally just tried that. You know what? I’m making your skin a belt. A-Ring-a-ding-ding! Sorry, your cave doesn’t have a doorbell. Or a door. So I let myself in. Anyway, special delivery for the Anti-Bidoof Restistance! “Barce”? Ugh, shit, that’s the party platter Bart ordered. Honestly, we thought this day was going to go WAY differently. *HURK* Oh, hey, it’s future me! Have we fulfilled my destiny yet? GUH! NO! Go back home, Deli Rusty! You’re so annoying! Wait. Your bag. It smells.. Delicious. Oh, thanks! Yeah, that’s the Rusty Special, It’s my own recipe! I must have it. I accept Cash, Venmonat, And PayPalitoad This… This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted. So simple, yet… So elegant. Thank you, Good Rusty. You’ve shown me that there is hope buried inside even the worst of humanity. OH, SNAP! He called you the worst of humanity! YA BURNT! Come, Good Rusty. We shall journey the stars in search of the hope that you have shown me. Ah, sounds neat! Also, I’m bringing this Sexy Fairy. Wha- NO! COME ON!!! Now wait just one Wormadam minute! I wanna go on Space Adventures too! Worry not, Bad Rusty. I have a reward suited to your talents as well. Yeah! Can’t Bust the Rust! Like it says on the T-shirt I always wear under my jacket, canonically. Ready, my sweet sandwich prince? Am I ever! Then we shall depart. And as a token, I shall undo all my doofly deeds. The world shall be as it was. FOODIB All signs of The Doofageddon have faded and Kanto is at peace once more. In other news, a local deli is serving up what customers call: “The Perfect Sandwich”. Stay tuned for more after this. Here you go, sir. One Rusty Special. Thanks, kid! You really found your potential. Now, where’s that wallet of mine? Now’s my chance! I’mgonnabeaPokémonMaster!!! UGH! Aw, I hate being confined in a small space and forced to take orders! What did I ever do to deserve this? Behold, Rusty. The galaxy is full of wonders. Wheee, Forever! Cleffaye.